Updated: Nov 20, 2019
My throwaway days didn't start until my 40's.
Up to that point, I was still able to handle life. Heck, I loved life!
The me before alcoholism, was pretty awesome, even if I do say so myself!
She was a really good mom.
A really good wife.
A great friend, daughter, sister, neighbor, volunteer, church goer, etc.
I was a fun, social drinker when my kids were younger, then a "too much" drinker when they got a little older, then a heavy drinker which eventually lead to me finding the rooms of AA and surrendering myself to being an alcoholic. So, I knew the difference between a good day spent being busy, useful and fulfilled; and a non-productive, throwaway day. You know them. The days where you go to bed and feel guilty because you didn't spend enough time with the family, because you were a little bit too hungover to volunteer at school, because you let the housework go (except to spray Fabreze throughout the house minutes before my husband came home from work). Those days.
The throwaway days.
The days where I'm neglecting everything: housework, family, friends, myself...especially, myself. Those are the throwaway days. The days that I am angry at myself. The days where I wonder who I have become. How did I get here?
What happened to the days when I felt like Supermom and could juggle a thousand things at once? Remember that "I can bring home the bacon...fry it up in a pan" commercial? That was me. Always busy. Always doing, doing, doing. Those were great days and I loved life.
Then, alcohol came and ruined everything.
During the throwaway days, I am hanging on as tightly as I can. But, rather than hanging on and fighting through life and celebrating my victories and blessings, I am hanging on and just waiting for the day to be done. I'm too tired to work. I'm too tired to be a good, active and doting mommy. I'm certainly too tired to be a good wife. I'm exhausted at the thought of being me or any version of the me I used to be.
The only thing that brought me back to the old me was sobriety. When I decided that enough was enough and I no longer wanted to drink my way through life with one bad throwaway day after another. Having the memory of who I once was and fighting to find her again was my only option. She was worth fighting for!
Today, the only throwaway days I have are completely by choice. The days where I choose to lazily hang with my family in front of the television or cooking or playing my ukulele, or just talking. The days where I spend time working with other women in AA, with my sponsor, with anyone who needs my love and support. The days where I now, spend so much time writing. Those days. These new throwaway days. These are the days I live for.
I hope that today, you give yourself the gift of a throwaway day. The good kind.