"I need help."
The three most important words to come out of my mouth...and from my heart...in the last several years. Maybe ever.
There was a time when I had hit my very own rock bottom. Somewhere, a giant piece of myself was lost and I couldn't find "me" anymore. I didn't even recognize myself. I had become the exact opposite of everything I ever wanted to be. I wasn't the wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend I had once been. But, where the hell was she?
Depression, which had masqueraded itself as isolation, shame, guilt, loneliness, self-hatred, fear and alot of other ugly words, had taken over the old happy, joyful me which was hiding somewhere. I knew she was still somewhere, but for a while, she was simply lost. Mostlikely, hiding in her bed with the covers over her head (no joke).
I just couldn't stand to live in that strange, ugly world anymore. I could no longer live in the world where the darkness overshadowed every ounce of joy I once knew.
Sh*t. Where had I gone? I had to get out of the hole. I had to dig myself out. But how?
I once heard someone say (with the enthusiasm of a high school cheerleader), "Rock bottom is the BEST place to be!!".
WTF? Are you kidding me? WTFFFF?!!!
Today, I toooootally get it AND I, too (with the same loud enthusiasm of a high school cheerleader) scream out...
"YES!!! Rock bottom IS the best place to be... because there's nowhere else to go but UP!"
There's no where else to hide...to cover up...to run. It's only in hitting that bottom (whatever that looks/feels like) that we can reach out and ask for help. It's only in that rock bottom place that we can allow ourselves to let others in to see the real us and let them love us through the nightmare.
"Please God, I need help. I don't know how I...we're...going to do this, but I need to find myself again."
I need help.
Those three words finally came from my lips and to my husband's ears and together, we grabbed our emotional shovels and started digging. The work was hard, and scary, and emotional for both of us, but it was only with him standing nearby and cheering me on that I kept going.
WE kept going.
It's been almost six years since those dark days and those three words came to my lips. Today, our life is completely changed and we are stronger than ever. I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. A new freedom and happiness is ours. It doesn't lurk in the background anymore seeming completely unreachable to me. ￼I have grabbed that freedom, happiness and joy by the neck and squeezed every ounce of it into myself...my life...my family...my marriage. Today, I am filled with so much gratitude that my heart hardly has room to contain it all.
Most importantly, I use my experience, strength and hope to help others. Truly, it's in the gift of being of service that those old cobwebs don't have a chance to reappear. Keeping busy and working with others when they need it is the greatest blessing I receive each and every day. It doesn't always guarantee success, but it gets me out of my own crazy head and helps others out of their own hole. To be able to use my dark days to give hope to others is nothing short of a miracle.
God was always there.
Preparing me for this.
And it all began with three little words.
I. Need. Help.
If you need help, I am here. If you need to talk, I am here.
If you need me to listen, I am here.
You are not alone
You don't have to walk through anything by yourself.
We all need a little help sometimes. Go get yours!