Standing still has never been so scary.
Me just standing.
This is the starting point.
The point where I will make the decision to move forward with my practice; with my life, but in a new way that is completely different than anything I’ve ever done before.
You see, I made a huge decision that I am positive will change me, my life, my family, my thinking, my relationships, everything. EVERYTHING!! Everything will be changed even if just to the very minutest fraction of an inch and I am ready
…but I am terrified.
A few months ago, I heard about a 200-hour yoga certification training that began on February 4 and ends thirty days later on March 3. This is intense. Really intense.
Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. Definitely, emotionally.
The training is six days a week, eight hours a day (except on Saturdays when we have a short, 4 hour day) a for a month (breathe, Maria). My 52-year-old heart is racing as I type this and I can feel my insides getting stirred up and both nervous and excited for tomorrow when we start again at Week 2.
I realized a while ago that can no longer be content to stand still. The time has come to make the decision and move. I've thought about this training for a while now and it's time to stop wondering if I can really do this and just try!
But here’s the thing. The crazy puppets that are living in my head are chatting and fighting and singing and laughing and yelling all at once, each one begging to be heard, and trying to tell me that
I can’t do this.
I’m not good enough.
What would make you think YOU could take this on?
Who do you think you are?
and my head is spinning like a top. I’m dizzy and OMG, breathe, Maria, breathe.
So, here’s the only way I know to work with this level of cray cray.
I bring it right back to my program of recovery which I know always grounds me and points me back to reality, a starting point and solution.
Step One: Admitting that I need help…and oh, Lordy, do I. My nerves are out of control.
Step Two: Being willing to believe that there’s something out there in the universe that’s bigger, better, stronger, faster, smarter and who loves me and believes in me when I can’t believe in myself. (I call Him God, but you can call him/it/she/they whatever you want!)
Step Three: “Okay, God. Go ahead. Work your magic.” I know this is going to be really hard, but I trust you. I’m willing to let You take over now, because it’s just too scary to handle by myself.
I’m so grateful for the Steps which work for every situation in my life. They are the structure to my life. Even when I am at Step Zero, where I am still teeter tattering and deciding if I really want to plan to move on, at least, I have a starting point.
I’m still scared sh*tless about what tomorrow is going to bring, but at least I know that I won’t be doing it alone.
I can do this.
I can stand. I can stand strong. I can stand in my own truth. I know I can.
Even when it feels scary.
But, eventually (as in tomorrow morning), I’m going to have to take the next step. Make the next move. Choose to love myself and to find the inner strength from within to lean into the scary stuff. Lean into the fear. Lean into the puppets in my head and shut them the hell up!
Whatever that next move might be. For me, it’s practicing my badass new yoga poses and memorizing sequences, working on my breathing and being kind to myself today. It’s going to take a lot of gentle, loving nudges and patting myself on the back and knowing that I am going to lean gently in and make my move.
Most of all, I will hear my sponsor's voice reminding me that I am exactly where God intends me to be…right now. Not, tomorrow. Just for now.