How many times did I fool myself into thinking that I needed that drink? Deserved that drink. Couldn't cope without that drink. For years, I justified my drinking because "you would drink too if fill-in-the-blank". Maybe my kids were driving me nuts, maybe I was angry at my husband, maybe it was a dreary weather day, maybe I was hungry, maybe I was lonely and isolating, maybe my undies were just in a wad. On the other hand, maybe alcohol had become such a part of my everyday life that I had forgotten how to do the daily life stuff without putting it into my system. I didn't know that the excuses I used to justify my drinking weren't valid. I had programmed myself to believe that alcohol would ease the pain of life around me. So, that’s what I did.
I really didn't know that alcohol was a depressant. I really didn't know that alcohol would make my anxiety and depression worse. I had no idea that drinking alcohol while I was already restless would make the restlessness even more unbearable. I didn’t know it was adding fuel to the fire.
I also didn't know how strong I could be without that drink. If I could just stay sober.
I didn't know how great my life could be without alcohol. I didn't know that I could love myself again.
I really didn't know.
Now, I do...and I'm not going back.