Updated: May 7
I am really fed up right now.
I’m fed up that I keep hearing about relapses…over and over again. My heart hurts to read about these relapses, how they steal away so much from you physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Alcoholism sucks. This disease sucks.
This disease is “cunning, baffling and powerful”. This disease wants to break you. This disease wants to take away everything you own, everything you have worked for. Everything you love and hold most precious to your heart.
It doesn’t give a sh*t where you live or how much money you do or do not have.
It doesn’t give a sh*t if you wear an “I love Jesus” shirt and read the Bible every morning and pray before family dinner. In fact, it doesn’t give a sh*t if you are a “good” Christian, Jew, agnostic, atheist, pagan, whatever.
It doesn’t give a sh*t if your kids go to the right school.
It doesn’t give a sh*t if you volunteer your little heart out 80 hours a week.
It doesn’t give a sh*t if you want to pretend that your kids don’t know that you’re secretly drinking in your closet with a bottle of red in your hand.
It doesn’t give a sh*t if you use grocery money for you next bottle of vodka to settle down your shaking hands and numb your anxiety.
It doesn’t give a sh*t if you think that you can drive because you’ve convinced yourself that you’re “not drunk” AND, it really doesn’t give a sh*t if you crash your car or get caught by the Po Po or if you kill yourself and/or someone else.
It doesn’t give a sh*t if you have convinced yourself that you DESERVE to drink or MUST drink because you can’t handle your own children for one more freaking second.
It doesn’t give a sh*t if you look healthy on the outside by doing yoga five times a week, but really, you’re allowing alcohol to eat away at your insides and kill you.
It doesn’t give a sh*t if you like to post picture-perfect photos of your family on social media, but in reality, you are nursing a hangover and are anxiously watching the clock to tick slowly by and waiting for “5 o’clock somewhere”.
It doesn’t give a sh*t if you are still living with someone who continues drinking and you feel unsupported and angry.
It doesn’t give a sh*t if your friends think you’re a bummer now and don’t understand that you are trying to live a sober life.
It doesn’t give a sh*t if you’re going through a breakup
or lost your job
or hate your mother
or broke a nail.
It doesn’t give a sh*t if you’re partner left you,
your children won’t talk to you
or if your dog died.
And, one last thing…it doesn’t give a sh*t about this Covid19 virus.
It doesn’t give a sh*t about any of this or any other excuse you have to drink.
Alcoholism knows no boundaries, so stop fooling yourself that you’re too good to deserve such a title like alcoholic. Bullsh*t. BULL-SH*T! Please stop fooling yourself that all of your reasons, your excuses, your justifications give you permission to drink AT someone/something/some situation.
Over and over and over again, I read messages like these:
“Well, I screwed up…Day one…AGAIN” or
“I’ve been sober for X-amount of days now, so I thought I could have just one” or
“I keep drinking and hating myself for it…”
“I thought it would be different this time and I could drink like a lady”
“I HAVE to drink because I am so stressed out.”
And, then, I read responses to these posts that go something like this:
“It’s okay. Be gentle with yourself”
“Don’t beat yourself up!”
“Go light a candle and take a bath”
At some point, especially, if you are a chronic relapser, the kind words won’t do anything but fill up space. People can keep filling your head with words that will make your heart feel better for a bit, but you know for damn sure that you won’t remember those words when the horrible cravings hit.
Friend, you are going to literally have to fight for your life! You’re going to have to fight really hard. And, it’s going to suck. It might even be physically painful. Definitely, mentally painful. But, you know what? There is no way through it, but through it. You are going to HAVE TO FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE!
You just do not need alcohol to deal with life. No matter what kind of BS the media is feeding you, that you NEED alcohol to have fun or to relax. No matter what you are seeing on social media that might be leading you to believe that YOU DESERVE to drink because of this Covid pandemic. No matter what you might be telling yourself, or what your friends are saying, or your family wants.
YOU DO NOT NEED ALCOHOL.
You might not believe it right at this moment, but it’s true. You are stronger than that. Somewhere, deep inside of you is a strength that you will have to find that says ~ screams ~ I don’t need alcohol anymore!
If you don’t believe it, then believe that I believe. Believe that there is help out there and that you do not have to do this alone. Believe that there are sober people who will genuinely share their experience, strength and hope with you, because, as I’ve learned, “I can’t keep it if I don’t give it away”. In other words, I can’t keep the gift of sobriety if I don’t share it with other people who are struggling with getting sober. When I share my gift, I help ensure my own sobriety, so puh-leasssse, let me help you.
Quitting alcohol ain’t easy. It's going to be hard.
You WILL be uncomfortable.
You WILL be afraid.
You WILL have to fight through the cravings.
You WILL have to ask for help.
You WILL have to admit that alcohol has kicked your tush!
You WILL not be alone. You do not have to be.
So many times, I read posts that ask, “I want to stop drinking, but I don’t want to go to AA. Does anyone know how to get sober without AA?”
Nope. I don’t.
I know that my drinking was out of control for me. I know that I hated who I had become. I know that, God willing, I never have to go back there again. I know that AA saved my life and I know it can save yours…if you are willing to put in the work!
I know that my rock bottom is different than yours and that our stories might be better OR worse than someone else, but it’s MY rock bottom. It’s what FINALLY got me to the point where I was “willing to go to any lengths” to find myself again. And that began by admitting that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable because of it.
And, I did.
You can too.
Whatever your feelings about AA…
Whatever you “think” you know about AA…
Whatever your “contempt prior to investigation” might be…
Don’t allow your misgivings and your misunderstandings stop you from getting your life back. Alcoholics Anonymous has helped millions upon millions of people and it will work for you too.
You are worth the effort and energy you’ll need to put forth to gain a life beyond your dreams!
Alcoholism doesn’t give a sh*t about you, but I do.